little girl lost

Little girl lost.

Behind the bushes, under the tables, inside the cabinets, above the tree’s branches - Alas! You can then find someone you are looking for.

Playing hide and seek ten years ago is a barrel of laugh. Somebody would always scold me for going home dirty, bathing in sweat, and full of scars. But I love hiding and somebody would seek and then shout, “I saw you! You’re it!” It made me realize that no matter how I tried my best to embrace myself in a very tiny place to hide so that no one will see me, I will always end up being located. The feeling of being seen and somebody discovered your hiding place is a feeling I never thought would be exciting, especially when you know someone else is struggling to seek out for you.

Sad to say, that was ten years ago... the childish atmosphere vanished and I was wedged on a reality everyone wishes to escape from. Hide-and-seek can never be fun; instead, it was nerve breaking. It sucks when you are trying to hide from something or someone, then it will haunt you wherever you will go, and will able to discover your asylum. It also screws when you were having a hard time to look for something you did not know where it was hidden. Indeed, hide-and-seek is irritating, very annoying!

Realizations about life deepen, knowledge widens, and emotions grew intense. You were exposed to various things, various circumstances and various life challenging experiences, that in one way or another, alter everything you believed and lived for.

Hide-and-seek. But is it possible to seek for your hiding self or to hide from your seeking identity? I just don’t know. But there were spur of the moments, when the question ‘who are you?’ is not answerable by simply answering your first name. Sad reality is, time comes, that you cannot blame anyone for saying, “hey! I didn’t expect you’ll do it” or “Oh! Really?! Can’t believe you did it!” and worst, “Is that you?!” or “You’ve changed! You’re not the one I used to know!” It hurts. It is heartbreaking. But what could really tear you into pieces, is to realize you did not know your own self, you became a total stranger to your own mind and heart.

It hard to admit, but I am becoming someone else to my own self. There were times I asked, who I already am, because consciously, I concede, I am not the same little Ariane everyone knows about.

Gone is the Ariane who easily get emotionally attached, simply burst into tears, a fan of ‘faithfulness’, religiously disciplined and academically inclined. Rather, the new Ariane was born; sad thing is, for the worst. She maybe strong, but her strength made her emotionless to a certain degree. She started questioning everything and began to believe for what she thinks is right neglecting other people’s welfare. She is in total doubt for something undoubtful. She became a fan of ‘complications’ and make smooth things become complicated. She was an avid aficionado of revenge and can’t sleep until a dreadful plot was formulated. She was enticed by the smoke and the liquor. She always goes with the flow and engages in deceiving scenarios. And sometimes, she cannot able to control her urges of doing something she’s not supposed to do.

I thought what I’ve done are regretless, technically yes, coz I have the freedom to do whatever I want for as long as I did not induce pain to others. However, it ended up that I was emotionally tortured by my guilt and conscience. I know what I’ve done is not a mortal sin or against the constitution or by-laws of my dear fatherland. But the thing is this is not me. This is not the Ariane I used to know. And it was hard for me to rule over my new identity, simply because I am not familiar with it anymore.

I cannot hide from my conscience, even a gulp of tequila could not open a widow to make me escape from the reality that I have already done and I could not change it, a puff could not bring me somewhere else where my conscience could not see me, a friend’s advice is not helping, as a matter of fact, it make things worst.

I don’t know where on the world I am. I want to be the old me. I want to be an innocent little ‘Baby Girl’ who has nothing against the world – no heartbreaks, no problems, and no challenges. Every pain can be cured with a lollipop and a band aid, and my only best friends were my mom and dad.

Little girl lost. But no matter what happen, no matter what they say, I will always be my papa’s little princess…