a major turning point

There are some points in our life that our curiosity heightened, we questioned everything we knew – from petty things to unexplainable circumstances. We were taught with new knowledge, but most often too much information we’ve accumulated lead us to much more curiosities and a never-ending quest for answers. We will then realize life is getting more complicated, and we have to agree that the more you know is in fact the more you don’t know.

For almost 96 percent of my life I was confined in a conservative, spiritually inclined culture, I was raised enveloped with fear not to do the things which is against His will, otherwise I end up burning in the fires of hell. I spent eight years of my childhood in a Catholic school, where I was taught how to pray the Holy Rosary three times a day, how to sing a worship song every Friday, how to attend masses and memorize the gospel every Sunday, and how to recite a prayer for the Blessed Sacrament everyday. I was flooded with too much knowledge about Him – His life, His words, His good deeds and His simple wants – that I really thought I would end up with a veil in a monastery. I have learned by heart all the parables, the scriptures, the words in the bible, the commandments, the sacraments, the teachings, and a lot more.

I can also vividly remember the things my Religion teacher taught us when I was in first grade, she said that in every Hail Mary you recite, imperceptible roses were coming out of your mouth, and your guardian angel delivers it to the Blessed Virgin. So, you need to recite every word of the fifty-three Hail Maries in the Holy Rosary, clearly and slowly. If not, your guardian angel will do the delivery very fast that may stumble her over, and you will then lose your angel to guide you along the way. And my innocence wondered if people without guardian angel will eventually die, or some died only because they lost their guardian angel while praying the Holy Rosary.

I want to believe that indeed I was ‘religiously’ disciplined. As a rule suggests, sitting while praying is not just a venial sin against heaven but also a sin which requires you to pay a peso for it; hence despite of all the bruises in your knees you were compelled to kneel for almost thirty minutes thrice a day, or else suffer the consequences in the hands of the evil saints. Worst, failure to abide with the daily rituals could really impinge on your academic standing. Even up to now, I still do not know the rationale behind it.

I cannot imagine myself believing in all the funny bluffs my teachers then told me. I really trust them deeming that they were saints coming down from heaven. But after I graduated and was freed from that institution, I was exposed to various reality of life. I then realized that I became implicitly a robot believing on their highly opinionated lesson plans diminishing the facts which I supposed to know.

Looking back when I was in my first grade, the most basic question asked in every examination is, “who is God?” and depending on my notes based on what my teachers asserted, I can get a perfect score with a simple answer that “God is our Creator, He created us because He loves us, and we must love Him with a Christian faith.”

But now, I wonder who the God I am referring to is. Is the Creator of Heaven and Earth? I do not know but one thing is for sure, I started doubting the validity of such claim. I viewed the formation of galaxy and planets in a more scientific approach, perhaps taking Big Bang Theory for instance, explained it systematically and supported it with clear justifications, rather than philosophical and sort of a ‘fairytale’. On the other hand, even up to now, I do not know what and where exactly heaven is, what is clear to me is the absence of such place in this universe, further, heaven for me is just a feeling of contentment and happiness in life. And hell? Of course, I would have to contend that there is no pit of large fire with sorrowful souls with Satan underground, rather intense heat from the core layer of this planet Earth and grotesque creatures were buried underneath.

I bet majority wants to go to heaven and afraid of the inferno of hell, that is why most people tried hard to become perfect for the so-called ‘gates of heaven’, since the words of God imposed perfection in everything you do. But then again, we all know, there is no perfection in reality. As humans we always have physical, emotional, and even moral imperfections; we commit mistakes, most often unintentionally. This then inflicts guilt that could almost kill us and made you realize how unworthy human being you are, which is not supposed to be the case. Instead these mistakes must be lessons, and equipments in becoming a better person, for you, for your family and people around you, as well as for the society as a whole.

For just seven years, here I am, living in a way very different from the way my childhood used to. I never enter the church again because I know He is everywhere and I can worship Him everywhere and anytime if I want. I never attend masses since what is the use of attending it if you are not actually driven to be there wholeheartedly, and believing that there is no one to worship in the first place. I cannot remember when my last confession was, but what is its significance if what is more important is your admission and willingness not to do that mistake again. You do not need to whisper it to somebody else, because nobody is perfect, thus, nobody can be consider worthy to tell you how you will say sorry for yourself. And lastly, real devils are actually those who proclaimed themselves as righteous and holy, though apparently they are not.

I also became a member of various religious organizations, which I thought could expunge my doubts and queries. However, they only strengthen my contentions. In most of the religious gatherings I have attended, I noticed and witnessed that not all members are there merely to worship or to gather for His existence, but was only obsessed with personal motivations and interests, basically to see their crushes and hangout with friends. It maybe then right for me to say that they were not there to worship any gods but to worship man, their crushes or their friends. Just like saying, man is the god himself.

I hate to admit, but I started believing that there is no god or any goddesses existing elsewhere. Things happened not because it was what your God’s will (well, if he is really a God, and he loves you, he’s not supposed to give you hardships and pains), but it was your actions that identify the things to happen. What is happening now is defined of what happened in the past. Simply, life is just a series of events, and only man can know where and what his destiny and future lies in. At the end of the day, all will die and perish. So instead of bothering yourself if you are actually worthy and good enough to be called His child, I suggest better live life the way you want it, guided with your own knowledge and rationality – seek for whatever makes you happy, because life is not forever anyway.

Some may insist, I owe Him my wisdom and knowledge, and I’ll say I owe it in my parent’s genes. Some may blame my liberated university for withdrawing my relationship with the Catholic God, but I rather thank it for establishing my stronger and profound knowledge of realities. Some may ask what happened with my faith, and I’ll answer that I am just facing the actuality of life. Some may condemn me as an alumna of a Catholic school, well, it is okay for me, rather blamed them for the damnation they have taught me. Some may wonder if I’m not afraid to die, and with conviction I can say no, because every one of us will face the certainty of death. And some may reacted in a negative way, asking whom I believe in, and straight-forwardly I’ll reply NONE.